Welcome to my world.

incredulousdenials:

Like Eating Glass [Ladytron Zapatista Mix]

2/25/10

I’m overwhelmed. There’s so much to do. I have plenty of time to do it. I put it off until the last minute. Procrastination. My life. It sucks. “I can do it later”, I say. “Why tomorrow what you can do today”, everyone says. I say, “Fuck it.” I’m lazy. I’m a slacker. I lack the motivation I need to get an A in Algebra, to clean my room, to get a job. I bullshit my way through homework. I’m not dumb. I know the content. I just always say, “Fuck it.” It’s always in the back of my mind. That Chemistry lab that’s due next week, that take home quiz, that chapter I have to read for History. Fuck it. I have time to do what I want right now. Sunday night, I’ll be in my room trying to get all that done. I kick myself in the ass. Whatever. Fuck it. It’s better than NOT DOING IT AT ALL. Am I right? I turn in all of my assignments. All of them. My tests average. Not because I don’t study, because I study. I’m just a horrible test taker. Dropping Honors College Algebra will be awesome. I’m already going to take Algebra 2 next year since I failed 1st semester of Honors College Algebra. No big deal. Non-honors classes are CAKE.

My parents are ridiculous. I can’t ever sleep over my friend’s house. All because of one night…I snuck out ONE TIME!! That’s it. Calm the fuck down, srsly. I learned my lesson. I won’t sneak out every again. At least not until I find a way to keep my dog quiet. I’ve known Stefany since the 3rd fucking grade. What the actual fuck. “Hey, can I go to a show?”, I ask. “Sure.” they say. Sweet! “Hey, can I sleep over afterwards?”. “WHY? NO!” I don’t know why they freak out every time I ask them. I’ve slept over twice with their permission before. Another time I asked to go to Wisconsin with Stefany and they said “OKAY. HURP DURP.” We just went to show’s Friday. Saturday. and Sunday. I stayed at her house the whole weekend. My parents had no idea. I don’t feel bad that I lied. I wouldn’t have to if they would just trust me. I’m not a BAD KID. I don’t know how many times I have to stress that out. It’s so fucked up. I love my parents, but come one now. Seriously.

I hate being so fucking awkward. It ruins everything. Every. Thing. I can’t make friends, I can’t get a date, I can’t get a job. I can’t talk to people. I’m fucked up. Why is it so fucking hard to just open my mouth. I feel terrible whenever someone actually tries to talk to me. I just sit there or give them a dumbass reply. I don’t just go off telling people my life. I want friends that I can hang out with after school. Not just once or twice a month. Whenever I want, if at all possible. The only person I have is Stef. She’s all I’ve got. We barely hang out. When we do it’s always the best time ever. I just wish it was more often. :/ The only person I’m myself with is Stefany. My best friend. Lauren too, but we’re never together…I miss her. A lot. We used to hang out a lot. Then she moved and had to go to a different school and made new friends. I still consider her my best friend. I always will. I love her. I’m real excited to see her this weekend. It’s been too long. I really just want someone. Someone that will love me, romantically. Other people are so lucky to have someone. I haven’t been in a relationship since the 8th grade. I’m a junior in high school now. The only person I have to blame for that is myself for just sitting here. I hate my body. I’m disgusting. I’m unattractive. No one likes me. The only people that do are the people I find online. On tumblr or elsewhere. Great. I just want to have that one person I can stay up late with talking about nothing. Laughing, playing video games, everything. I guess I should also add this. No one really knows, mostly because I don’t go around flaunting it. If anyone were to ask I’d tell them know. I know at least two people who might read this and see it so I guess this me telling them. I’m gay…I don’t just go out telling people because 1. It’s none of their business. and 2. I’m just beginning to get comfortable with it.

Anyway, I ran out of things to write for today. I’ll probably write more this weekend or next week.

I love you with all my heart.